Dear Mr Ross Murray,

re The heartbreak of creativity; a public service announcement

I am a writer. I claim this honorific because I have produced a post of more than 1000 words about the purchase of a pink handbag. And I have written a novel. At 75,641 words Say Something actually says not a lot and is now retired to the digital equivalent of the bottom drawer.

Do not be afraid. I ask nothing of you. Indeed, I summarise my writing credentials merely to assure you I comment on the matters you raise with some authority. And I want you to know I have studied with great care the criteria you so wittily identify. I must conclude that I meet them all; except one.

You see, Mr Ross Murray, when it comes to hairstyles I prefer the classic bob. Some say it is reminiscent of Katherine Mansfield; she’s quite famous where I come from. In actual fact, I have been aiming for the perfectly coiffed style Mrs Clinton favoured in the 90s. (Infer what you will!) It has been a challenge to maintain – as a writer I lack Mrs Clinton’s financial resources. Instead of blonde think greying auburn. Also think Beethoven on a bad day – especially when I have been writing.

But now you have provided me with the key to my future writing success and for that I must thank-you. Given time I am sure my nearest and dearest will follow suit and express their gratitude to you in a most appropriate manner. Mr Ross Murray, I have Googled “dreadlocks”. I have printed the article from Wikipedia. I will show it to my hairdresser. She is the adventurous type. I am convinced that together she and I will be able to replicate the style.

I look forward with much anticipation to banishing ennui from my writing life. Because, Mr Ross Murray, although you are not Francis Pharcellus Church and my name is not Virginia what you say must be so: WP has thricely pressed you!

Yours most truthfully

Jillian